Work is Freedom!

the void has received a document from our man in the DWP which outlines Work and Pensions Secretary James Purnell's plans for the shake up of Incapacity Benefit. This memo will be sent to every frontline benefit advisor, read on for details of New Labour's devious scheme to get us all working for the man.

"Dear State Lacky

Firstly may I take this opportunity to thank you for your tireless work in tolerating the unemployed. Without your commitment and hard work who knows where we'd end up, ruled by bloody Moscow or some such disaster.

But there is an issue where we must ask you to push yourselves that bit harder in our shared vision to eradicate the poor.

This country has too many people claiming Incapacity Benefit(IB) when they should be working. Disease and disability must no longer be seen as an excuse not to participate in the economy.

It's time to think outside the box. To study people's so-called illnesses and find roles which are suited to them.

We should encourage people to be positive about disability and see their condition as an asset in the workplace. For example there are many jobs those suffering from depression can do admirably such as mortuary workers or professional mourners.

Agrophobics should be encouraged to become lighthouse keepers and surely alcoholics can't complain about being asked to work in a pub.

Schizophrenics with multiple personality disorders may be able to take on two or more jobs at once! The same applies to Siamese Twins.

And quite frankly there is no excuse for those suffering from autism not to become mathematical geniuses.

17,000 people commit suicide every year, many of them claimants for depression. This is a scandalous waste of deaths when the country is at war on two fronts.

A spell in the frontline and a nobel death at the hands of the enemy would be a superior situation for all concerned. Al Qaeda run some interesting schemes along these lines.

Patiants with terminal conditions should also be encouraged to think about military service as well as being made aware that many jobs are temporary these days anyway so there's no excuses.

The Labour Party fundraising offices is currently recruiting amnesiacs, whilst those with personality disorders may find a home in politics or the police.

It is therefore clear that those on IB for so-called mental health problems are lazy and selfish and and it's time they 'got off their arses' to use their language.

Physical disabilities represent a greater challenge but can still be overcome.

Obviously cripples aren't good for much, but for example coma-victims make great doorstops whilst those who are basically a vegetable could apply to become Community Support Officers.

Two wheelchairs lashed together makes a useful trolly which could be used in hospitals, meaning even hospital in-patients could be used as a kind of 'human trolly' saving the NHS a fortune.

Those who's physical or psychological needs are too great to allow them to participate in the workplace will be able to take part in the soon to be announced euthanasia assistance scheme.

As ever I remain confident that with your help we will be able to rid the country of the poor permanantly.

Warmest regards


James Purnell
Work and Pensions Secretary"